Our regular commentor “Midnight Anonymous” gets into the spirit:
7. Your grand-pappy left you lots of land surrounding Eureka so you could stack every appointed and elected office with enough cronies wiling to look the other way while you built beyond infrastructure capacity and made millions.
8. You’re a wealthy serial killer living in a prominent Trinidad home in a county obsessed with shopping carts, bicycles, public sleeping, and every other sundry crime of destitution.
9. You own multiple downtown properties still in granddaddy’s name who died in the 1920’s, leaving you with almost zero property tax liability.
10. You own a few downtown blighted properties, vacant lots and storefronts that Eureka welcomes with zero accountability.
11. You make more money from empty buildings than having them occupied via writing-off the former income they once generated for 5 years as a “loss” against your profitable properties. After 5 years, you shift occupancy back into the building from its formerly occupied neighboring structure that you also own…a legal “shell and Pea” scam.
12. You have friends at city hall that allow you to haphazardly change zoning to increase the value of your property.
13. You’re an elected Eureka official enjoying unaccountable access to lawyers and settlements for eliminating perceived opponents on staff, and for establishing weekly city prayer breakfasts, and the petty corruption of appointing church, chamber and Rotary members to city committees.
14. You own a pawn shop, storage unit, tenement, check cashing “service”, provide usurious loans for autos, homes and “public” universities, reverse mortgages, payday loans, rent to own, you are a rental agent, debt collector, liquor store owner, bail bondsman, job scalper, distressed loan “service” provider, run a dollar store, debt adjustment “service”, among Eureka’s other growth industries rushing here to exploit the windfall from Eureka’s complicity in turning poor families into homeless families.
15. You’re a highly paid health professional, administrator, representative, or executive within the Humboldt County Department of Health and Human Services, each well-aware of statistics twice the statewide average for child abuse, overdose fatalities, homelessness, suicide, property crime, every major illness, low life expectancy, infant mortality, among others, while never having to worry about accountability, a press-release, a needs assessment, individual program audits, success ratios, or the costs of desperately needed mitigation measures versus the higher costs of police responses, incarceration and admission to the ER, drug rehab and mental health facilities.
16. You’ve bought into Eureka’s unregulated rental gold-rush that makes ownership less accessible for the working poor by inflating property values. Building a personal rental empire guarantees the leisure time required for a front seat at city hall to make sure your business remains unregulated.
17. You’re a commercial or residential developer that Eureka never required a dollar from for in-lieu affordable housing fees.
OOps, outa time…your turn…