MOLA:42’s Guide to Societal Magical Thinking
CITY OF EUREKA DECLARES VICTORY OVER HOMELESSNESS
(EUREKA) In a recent press conference City of Eureka officials declared they have solved the homeless problem “once and for all.”
“I didn’t realize it would be this easy,” observed Eureka Police Department Chief Andrew Mills.
“I mean, one minute they were there and then POOF! They were gone” said Chief Mills. “We should have tried this sooner. “
Police officers at the scene handing out eviction notices behind the Bayshore Mall (popularly known as the “Devil’s Playground”) were hesitant to correct the Police Chief. But one officer pointed out, “They didn’t exactly go POOF! Rather they just disappeared with a flash of light and a loud POP!”
“It was pretty cool” another EPD officer added.
Eureka Police and City Government had recently decided to try new strategies to solve Eureka’s homeless problems.
According to City Manager Greg Sparks, “We tried to put the homeless in concentration camps… er… I mean Transitional Encampments, but everywhere we tried to set up our concen… uh… Transitional Encampments the neighborhoods just went ballistic.
“Then, somebody got this idea from a movie or a book or something that if we all just wished real hard and clapped our hands together three times, it might make all of our problems go away.”
Sparks said, “At first I didn’t think it would work. It’s just too easy. But,” Sparks added, “The results speak for themselves, don’t they? It’s a testament to the power of Magical Thinking.”
While Sparks and Mills were taking a photo opportunity behind the Bayshore Mall, police officers were witnessed moving through the bushes, wishing real hard and clapping their hands together three times. During that time several homeless people were observed to disappear with a loud popping sound.
HSU Physics Professor Bob Mellotonin was contacted to give his view on the recent event.
“There is a sound scientific basis for what is happening,” observed Professor Mellotonin. “Employees of municipalities, like cities and counties, get very frustrated. This forms a massive overload of positrons in their brains, leading to a discharge.
“The positrons envelope whatever is causing the bureaucrat’s frustration and makes them go away.”
Asked where he thought the homeless were going Professor Mellotonin replied, “Who knows? Probably out of our Space-Time Continuum. The important point is they (the homeless) are no longer our problem.”
Disputed Methods and Outcomes
Despite the results, some are critical of the methods used by City of Eureka staff.
City Council members all agreed that “Magical Thinking” was the domain of elected officials and advised the City Staff to “Not work our side of the street.”
Some observers, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concerns the program was not really working as stated.
They report incidents of loud popping sounds coming from the other greenbelts of Eureka, and out of town as far north as Mckinleyville and as far south as Fortuna.
The anonymous sources say they believe this might be the homeless popping up somewhere else.
Ms. Fernita Willkcoby, a 79 year-old Fortuna resident, is one person not afraid to speak on the record.
“I was just sitting there on my front porch and suddenly there was this POP! Next thing I know there’s this hippie asking me if there was a Port-A-Pottie around here.”
City Manager Sparks denies the reports of the trans-relocation of homeless people.
“We’ve cracked the problem. No doubt about it. It is over. Problem solved, done and dusted!”
When asked by reporters about the morality of solving the homeless problem in the way the City of Eureka has chosen, City Manager Sparks wished real hard, clapped his hands together three times and
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Standard Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and not necessarily those of the Tuluwat Examiner. I am not on the staff of the Tuluwat Examiner. I don’t even know who these people are.
However, the staff of the Tuluwat Examiner has reported that two of their members recently disappeared with a loud POP! (although some have stated it was more of a POOF! sound).
Said the spokesperson for the Tuluwat Examiner, “The rest of us fortunately are immune to the effects of Magical Thinking.” The spokesperson then added, “And we promise our readers that furthermore
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