EUREKA DECLARES VICTORY OVER HOMELESSNESS

MOLA:42’s Guide to Societal Magical Thinking

CITY OF EUREKA DECLARES VICTORY OVER HOMELESSNESS

(EUREKA) In a recent press conference City of Eureka officials declared they have solved the homeless problem “once and for all.”

“I didn’t realize it would be this easy,” observed Eureka Police Department Chief Andrew Mills.

“I mean, one minute they were there and then POOF! They were gone” said Chief Mills. “We should have tried this sooner. “

Police officers at the scene handing out eviction notices behind the Bayshore Mall (popularly known as the “Devil’s Playground”) were hesitant to correct the Police Chief. But one officer pointed out, “They didn’t exactly go POOF! Rather they just disappeared with a flash of light and a loud POP!”

“It was pretty cool” another EPD officer added.

Eureka Police and City Government had recently decided to try new strategies to solve Eureka’s homeless problems.

According to City Manager Greg Sparks, “We tried to put the homeless in concentration camps… er… I mean Transitional Encampments, but everywhere we tried to set up our concen… uh… Transitional Encampments the neighborhoods just went ballistic.

“Then, somebody got this idea from a movie or a book or something that if we all just wished real hard and clapped our hands together three times, it might make all of our problems go away.”

Sparks said, “At first I didn’t think it would work. It’s just too easy. But,” Sparks added, “The results speak for themselves, don’t they? It’s a testament to the power of Magical Thinking.”

While Sparks and Mills were taking a photo opportunity behind the Bayshore Mall, police officers were witnessed moving through the bushes, wishing real hard and clapping their hands together three times. During that time several homeless people were observed to disappear with a loud popping sound.

 

Scientist Speculates

 HSU Physics Professor Bob Mellotonin was contacted to give his view on the recent event.

“There is a sound scientific basis for what is happening,” observed Professor Mellotonin. “Employees of municipalities, like cities and counties, get very frustrated. This forms a massive overload of positrons in their brains, leading to a discharge.

“The positrons envelope whatever is causing the bureaucrat’s frustration and makes them go away.”

Asked where he thought the homeless were going Professor Mellotonin replied, “Who knows? Probably out of our Space-Time Continuum. The important point is they (the homeless) are no longer our problem.”

 

Disputed Methods and Outcomes

Despite the results, some are critical of the methods used by City of Eureka staff.

City Council members all agreed that “Magical Thinking” was the domain of elected officials and advised the City Staff to “Not work our side of the street.”

Some observers, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concerns the program was not really working as stated.

They report incidents of loud popping sounds coming from the other greenbelts of Eureka, and out of town as far north as Mckinleyville and as far south as Fortuna.

The anonymous sources say they believe this might be the homeless popping up somewhere else.

Ms. Fernita Willkcoby, a 79 year-old Fortuna resident, is one person not afraid to speak on the record.

“I was just sitting there on my front porch and suddenly there was this POP! Next thing I know there’s this hippie asking me if there was a Port-A-Pottie around here.”

City Manager Sparks denies the reports of the trans-relocation of homeless people.

“We’ve cracked the problem. No doubt about it. It is over. Problem solved, done and dusted!”

When asked by reporters about the morality of solving the homeless problem in the way the City of Eureka has chosen, City Manager Sparks wished real hard, clapped his hands together three times and

 

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Standard Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and not necessarily those of the Tuluwat Examiner. I am not on the staff of the Tuluwat Examiner. I don’t even know who these people are.

However, the staff of the Tuluwat Examiner has reported that two of their members recently disappeared with a loud POP! (although some have stated it was more of a POOF! sound).

Said the spokesperson for the Tuluwat Examiner, “The rest of us fortunately are immune to the effects of Magical Thinking.” The spokesperson then added, “And we promise our readers that furthermore

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12 thoughts on “EUREKA DECLARES VICTORY OVER HOMELESSNESS

  1. A controlled burn of the area would be far more effective.

    Like

  2. Mola! Mola! Mola! Glad to see a post of your’s again. Very funny and we’ll written as usual.

    It’s pretty funny that this post is right below the NCJ article on the elsewhere column of the Ourtpost asking what’s going to happen with the evictions today.

    The answer is all too simple….people will move to another spot. Most, I suspect, will stay in Eureka. So, this solution seems to be pretty lacking. Yes, some of the homeless population will be inconvenienced. Yes, they will lose some property. But at the end of today they will still be…..homeless.

    This is not the type of progressive action I was hoping for with a “progressive” majority council in Eureka.

    I feel sorry for those folks out in the marsh, it is a very hard way to have to live.

    Thanks again Mola, it’s good to find some humor in what is a very sad state of homeless affairs in the largest poulation center for homeless in the county. I hope you begin doing more posts, laughter can help change minds and influence thoughtful people!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. The great Mola:42 returns in top form! I hope this is the beginning of more.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I love it, where’s the graphic of Mills dressed like a wizard? lol!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Mola’s post reminded me of HeeHaw and, I believe, Grandpa’s song that was repeated endlessly:

    Where O where are you tonight,
    Why did you leave me here all alone.
    I’ve searched the world over and thought I found true love,
    Then you met another and phfftt!!! you were gaawn.

    Never much cared for Heehaw except for Buck and Roy (superb guitar player).Thanks for the ear worm, Mola.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Milt, Milt, Milt…

      “Now, we’re not ones to go ’round spreadin’ rumors,
      Why, really we’re just not the gossipy kind,
      No, you’ll never hear one of us repeating gossip,
      So you’d better be sure and listen close the first time!”

      It was Archie Campbell and Gordie Tapp in that famous Hee-Haw sketch. Grandpa Jones was busy cookin’ supper.

      And, yes, Roy Clark was quite a superb guitar player.

      Like

  6. Great imagery Mola!
    Now if they would only magically reappear in Phil Crandel’s living room.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Another strategy we’re sticking with, despite being ineffective, also causes popping sounds when convicted killers are disappeared. Murder rates remain high while hundreds of innocent people have been executed.

    On the one hand, Eureka’s $100K/year cops expend diminishing public funds paying out huge settlements and chasing people in the bushes, while, on the other, city hall facilitates growth in predator industries that turn poverty into destitution:

    Sprawl
    Big boxes
    Pawn shops
    Storage units
    Slumlords
    Check cashing
    Usurious loans for autos and homes
    Reverse mortgages
    Payday loans
    Rent to own
    Rental agencies
    Debt collection
    Liquor stores
    Bail bonds
    Job scalpers
    Distressed loan servicing
    Dollar stores
    Debt adjusters

    Graduating “public” university students into oppressive debt and few job opportunities promises big financial gains in the industries that benefit from every social problem, relieving industry analyst’s concerns that the victims would run out as indicated by the flood of homelessness.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks Mola, I am finally able to communicate from the front again. I made a comment about a week ago and there was a loud pop and I and my computer were in the cloud, had no idea how to get back to good old Eureka. I contacted tech. center and they wanted to know if I was anywhere near the mall when this happened? As a matter of fact I was in the parking lot behind the mall. They related they had received other distress calls from people who disappeared about the same time. The techs had no solutions on how to get out of the cloud and back to the promised land (Eureka). They said that the effects would probably wear off slowly and all those affected would drift back and be able to resume a ‘normal” life again. Just give it time and just enjoy drifting in a fog for the time being. I did and finally, after a bumpy landing with many more loud pops, i was back behind the mall with all the Walmart goers. Believe me, I will not be emailing the TE if I am anywhere near the mall in the future. I am still a bit disoriented but very glad to be back.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Pingback: Homeless numbers down 43% (wtf?) and more locally spun “alternative facts” | Tuluwat Examiner

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