Guide to the District Attorney’s Election

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MOLA:42’s Guide to the District Attorney’s Election:

(or as the Examiner calls it MOLA in the MUDDLE)

This has to be about politics, because I just lied to you in the title before I even started the article proper.


There is no sane guide to the District Attorney’s Election. There are those who claim they know what’s going on… Sneezechiv… But really.


I do know that three of the candidates have already pissed me off. And the fourth candidate, Ms. Fleming, hasn’t because she wisely keeps a low profile. Perhaps that is her strategy; don’t annoy anyone and when election time comes they’ll remember she’s the one that didn’t say anything annoying and vote for her.


The three who have annoyed me? Mr. Dollison and Mr. Klein because they took a personal tragedy and ran with it for all it was worth; despite Ms. Firpo’s well-reasoned and sincere defense of the deal she had to make on the Anderson –Jordet stabbing where one man was stabbed by another by accident and in self-defense while the victim was mobbed by three people.


And I’m annoyed at Ms. Firpo for calling the case “Accidental Manslaughter” when someone introduces a knife into a fist fight (even though they outnumber the victim three to one) and the victim “accidently” falls on the knife. The public at large (including myself who is a larger public than most) knows this is a scenario for murder and the deal sucks.


Every DA in history has said two things: “I’ll be tougher on crime than my predecessor” and “I’m a good little organizer.” It goes back thousands of years to the very first DA (Makmut the Obsequious) who served the Assyrians. It was a cushy job since there was only one law, “Don’t piss off the Assyrians.” Alas even then there was complication. The penalty was either death by slow torture or death by being run over by chariots. Even then someone shouted, “Makmut is soft on crime! He called for death by slow torture only FIVE TIMES in the last four years!”


Here’s the deal: Even if your candidate is surrounded by resplendent angels singing Hallelujah’s while seraphs and cherubim are tap dancing around your candidate with broad smiles on their faces… you are going to be disappointed.


Why? Because the first thing your candidate is going to do (right after the “Welcome to the Office” party where at least five deputy DA’s come up and say they know how to get things running again) is he or she will be doing deals with criminals.


Why again? Because if every person nabbed by the cops got his or her day in court, it would take five years to hear a traffic offense. The courts would be bankrupt and the jails overflowing with folks waiting for their day in court. Welcome to the Banana Republic of Humboldt.


Yeah, I know… we have that now. But just think how much worse it would be.


The system can’t handle every case going to trial. Period. It is not possible to do anything other than make deals in the vast majority of criminal cases. And this isn’t true just here in Humboldt but all over the country. It isn’t pleasant, it isn’t nice, it isn’t Justice. It is simply Reality. And just as real and just as sure as God made little green apples (why would He do such a thing?) is that your candidate, now in office, will make a mistake and let someone off light and something terrible will happen.


“Let’s Make a Deal” is alive and well and in our court system (Carol Merrill, show him what’s behind the curtain… It’s five years in the State Penitentiary! Yay! Applause!). They aren’t canceling this game show anytime soon.


And meanwhile the angels and seraphs and cherubim are nowhere in sight.


So, you may be asking (if you’ve made it this far)… Just how do I determine who is the best candidate to become District Attorney?


Hell if I know.


Standard Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and not necessarily those of the Tuluwat Examiner.  I am not on the staff of the Tuluwat Examiner. I don’t even know who these people are. I mean; I went to the address they give for themselves and it’s really a cat food wholesaler. They don’t even speak English there. You ask them for the Tuluwat Examiner and they get really angry and beat the living snot out of you then they pick you up and literally toss you onto the street. Then one of them says, “Heh! Tuluwat Examiner!” and spits on your prone body. Ask them about “Friskies” and they are a whole lot nicer.



12 thoughts on “Guide to the District Attorney’s Election

  1. Well-reasoned defense? You’ve forgotten the victim’s family’s response quoted in the Times-Standard. I don’t know who I’m voting for, but I’ve ruled out one candidate so far.


  2. This was very funny/true. Thanks MOLA:42

    Here was the bit that made me literally laugh out loud:

    “It goes back thousands of years to the very first DA (Makmut the Obsequious) who served the Assyrians. It was a cushy job since there was only one law, “Don’t piss off the Assyrians.”

    Not many written pieces that actually do that. So an extra thanks for the day-brightener.


  3. You vote, you buy it, you own it – good, bad or otherwise.


  4. Orange Carrot Annonymous:

    Thank you. So far you are the only one to indicate that someone made it more than half way through.

    Makmut’s story is ultimately a sad one. After only four years on the job he was replaced by Alkmood the Even More Obsequious who ran the first “I’m for Law and Order and I’m a Good Little Organizer” campaign in the world.

    Soon after Makmut was found dead in the living room of his home, having been run over by a chariot at least five times. It was soon determined the Alkmood’s chauffeur (Zoorm the Fast and Furious) was responsible and in the world’s first plea bargain admitted to Accidental Manslaughter. Soon Zoorm was once again out on the street, chariot and all.

    Anyway Orange Carrot Anonymous, as the Assyrians would say; “May your tap root remain delicious and nutritious.”


  5. Interesting story. I wonder if there’s a message in there that might somehow still be applicable today. Now let’s see, I’m just a humble carrot, but I bet I can puzzle it out if I think for a piece…Hmmm…Oh no, a rabbit!!! Stay away rabbit! No, no nibbling! Stop the nibbling! C’mere Fido! Fido, come! Chase the rabbit Fido! Go get ’em boy! Whew! Dagnabbed rabbits…. Anyway, what were we talking about?


  6. I’ve been trying to avoid the DA race posts, but after waiting a day I had to read this one. TE, you owe me a laundry bill. I peed my pants laughing. Seriously. You have my email so send me a coupon or something.

    Also, I thought this site was about no brainer progressive politics. Why “Muddle” things up with a thinking persons humour? This blog might just be getting a little too highbrow for the likes of me.

    PS-Thanks Molaa!


  7. The one who has not pissed you off has the backing of the Deputy Sheriffs and the Fortuna City council (along with Democrats what were friends of her former boss Terry Farmer). That worries me. Why do the cops feel so safe with her?


  8. Ha! What Cops have been convicted under Paul? He made an ass of himself with several arrests by DA investigators of cops that amounted to…..Nada. Joseph Marsh and Daniel Kalis were arrested for dumb stuff they did off duty, and they were arrested by real COPS. His chosen successor is Firpo. I would think that if cops wanted to feel safe with someone (meaning getting away with on-duty crimes), it would be Firpo that would make them feel safe. Nice try though Will….or should I say…..Elan’s minion!


  9. Get a new moniker “Reality Check”. That wasn’t me and I don’t endorse that view.


  10. Reality Check (Red Springy Tomato, the REAL Reality Check):

    You should register and get a nice dog picture for your moniker.

    Oh well, works for me anyway.


  11. Dollison finally comes clean on his character faults admitting some of the facts of his sanctioning by the California State Bar in 2000. When confronted by the evidence against him, he stipulated (admitted) to 16 counts of professional misconduct in four separated cases resulting in a one year suspension of his law license, with all but 60 days stayed, and placed on two years’ probation with terms including restitution payments to the clients. In the stipulations, Dollison admitted that he failed to perform legal services competently; failed to respond to his clients repeated telephone calls and inquiries; that he improperly abandoned or withdrew from representing his clients; failed to return client files (the files actually belong to the client); and his client’s unearned fees. He ignored repeated attempts by the State Bar Investigators to contact him, and once contacted, failed to cooperate with the bar’s investigation. Dollison actually lied to at least one of his clients when he falsely fabricated an official looking Notice of Ruling upon which he forged the signature of the attorney representing the plaintiff’s on the false and forged Notice of Ruling. Dollison gave the forged Notice of Ruling to the client in an attempt to close the case by making it appear the Motion he was paid to file was denied by the Court. Shortly after being hired by the Humboldt County District Attorney’s Office in 2006, he told the Times-Standard that he’d gotten in over his head as a new attorney and taken on more than he could handle. Dollison has always been misleading and continues to minimize the seriousness of his fraudulent and criminal conduct.
    Cal. Penal Code violations committed by Dollison include sections 487(a); 470(c); 484b, the first two are felonies, and had he been charged and convicted of these crimes, Dollison would have never been able to practice law in California again. Yet he believes we should let him prosecute people who have done such crimes without concern for his past bad acts. In December 2012, Dollison abruptly resigned from the Humboldt County District Attorney’s Office after he was discovered to have committed Brady violations. On December 13, 2012, Judge Marilyn Miles, speaking to Mr. Dollison, page 9, beginning at line 23, stated: “Something stinks here. I’m just telling you that, Counsel, I’ve been doing this for many years. I don’t know what’s going on, why in July something would not have been presented to defense saying, Hey, Law enforcement met. Here is something having to do with this case. There’s no way they can ask to generate a report if they’re not even told.” Dollison’s conduct resulted in a mistrial and he was accused of lying to a judge. After Dollison resigned, a subsequent defense motion to dismiss the case was later denied. Judge Watson heard the three day hearing, including Dollison’s testimony under oath, and noted that Dollison’s answers to questions under oath about his handling of the case — specifically his failure to disclose an interview between the defendant and the police investigator, without her attorney present, were “a bit convoluted, to perhaps say the least,” and that what he’d told the trial court “didn’t appear to even pass muster on making sense at the time and seemed to be a misstatement, a cover up, of some sort,” according to transcripts of the hearing.
    Dollison claims he chose to resign his post after Gallegos lost faith in him, but fails to disclose that he was escorted out of the D.A.’s Office. A procedure reserved for employees that are terminated, but given the option of resignation instead of the protracted process of being fired
    Dollison continues to claim he learned his lesson back in 2000 when the State Bar discipline proceeding took place. A shallow and weak excuse when he continues to reveal serious character faults such as those that led to his rapid departure following the December 2012 misconduct resulting in a mistrial after the jury was already empaneled and trial had begun. Dollison wants the voters to believe him. Unfortunately, Dollison is a serial liar and simply unable to tell the difference between the truth, and his truth. Dollison asks us to trust him! His clients trusted him which led to his disbarment in 2000. Paul Gallegos trusted him when he hired him, only to learn of his dishonesty to the court and judge. Now Dollison asks us to “trust” him with the most important and powerful executive position in Humboldt County. Ask yourself, can we take another chance on a double loser? Dollison is the type of person who will do anything to win, even break the law and the rules of professional conduct. His record is clear, he can’t be trusted!


  12. Pingback: Tuluwat Examiner | This weeks burnt offering! Again

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