MOLA:42’s Guide to the District Attorney’s Election:
(or as the Examiner calls it MOLA in the MUDDLE)
This has to be about politics, because I just lied to you in the title before I even started the article proper.
There is no sane guide to the District Attorney’s Election. There are those who claim they know what’s going on… Sneezechiv… But really.
I do know that three of the candidates have already pissed me off. And the fourth candidate, Ms. Fleming, hasn’t because she wisely keeps a low profile. Perhaps that is her strategy; don’t annoy anyone and when election time comes they’ll remember she’s the one that didn’t say anything annoying and vote for her.
The three who have annoyed me? Mr. Dollison and Mr. Klein because they took a personal tragedy and ran with it for all it was worth; despite Ms. Firpo’s well-reasoned and sincere defense of the deal she had to make on the Anderson –Jordet stabbing where one man was stabbed by another by accident and in self-defense while the victim was mobbed by three people.
And I’m annoyed at Ms. Firpo for calling the case “Accidental Manslaughter” when someone introduces a knife into a fist fight (even though they outnumber the victim three to one) and the victim “accidently” falls on the knife. The public at large (including myself who is a larger public than most) knows this is a scenario for murder and the deal sucks.
Every DA in history has said two things: “I’ll be tougher on crime than my predecessor” and “I’m a good little organizer.” It goes back thousands of years to the very first DA (Makmut the Obsequious) who served the Assyrians. It was a cushy job since there was only one law, “Don’t piss off the Assyrians.” Alas even then there was complication. The penalty was either death by slow torture or death by being run over by chariots. Even then someone shouted, “Makmut is soft on crime! He called for death by slow torture only FIVE TIMES in the last four years!”
Here’s the deal: Even if your candidate is surrounded by resplendent angels singing Hallelujah’s while seraphs and cherubim are tap dancing around your candidate with broad smiles on their faces… you are going to be disappointed.
Why? Because the first thing your candidate is going to do (right after the “Welcome to the Office” party where at least five deputy DA’s come up and say they know how to get things running again) is he or she will be doing deals with criminals.
Why again? Because if every person nabbed by the cops got his or her day in court, it would take five years to hear a traffic offense. The courts would be bankrupt and the jails overflowing with folks waiting for their day in court. Welcome to the Banana Republic of Humboldt.
Yeah, I know… we have that now. But just think how much worse it would be.
The system can’t handle every case going to trial. Period. It is not possible to do anything other than make deals in the vast majority of criminal cases. And this isn’t true just here in Humboldt but all over the country. It isn’t pleasant, it isn’t nice, it isn’t Justice. It is simply Reality. And just as real and just as sure as God made little green apples (why would He do such a thing?) is that your candidate, now in office, will make a mistake and let someone off light and something terrible will happen.
“Let’s Make a Deal” is alive and well and in our court system (Carol Merrill, show him what’s behind the curtain… It’s five years in the State Penitentiary! Yay! Applause!). They aren’t canceling this game show anytime soon.
And meanwhile the angels and seraphs and cherubim are nowhere in sight.
So, you may be asking (if you’ve made it this far)… Just how do I determine who is the best candidate to become District Attorney?
Hell if I know.
Standard Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and not necessarily those of the Tuluwat Examiner. I am not on the staff of the Tuluwat Examiner. I don’t even know who these people are. I mean; I went to the address they give for themselves and it’s really a cat food wholesaler. They don’t even speak English there. You ask them for the Tuluwat Examiner and they get really angry and beat the living snot out of you then they pick you up and literally toss you onto the street. Then one of them says, “Heh! Tuluwat Examiner!” and spits on your prone body. Ask them about “Friskies” and they are a whole lot nicer.